Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    Biden Mandates Everyone Wear Ugly Sweaters

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    WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden announced this morning that he will sign an executive order mandating that all US citizens wear ugly sweaters everyday for the entire month of December.

    “Ugly sweaters are essential to the holiday spirit,” said Biden, “and it is important that all US citizens not only express that ugliness but that they remain safe. COVID is surging this winter and ugly sweaters keep you safe.”

    Press secretary Jan Psaki said that starting December 2nd OSHA will coordinate with the NSA to tap into everyones phones, “because everyone has a phone,” for unannounced inspections to make sure that people are wearing ugly sweaters. OSHA employees will also verify that sweaters are ugly enough. Psaki further explained that, “Anyone who is found not wearing an ugly sweater will be forced to work in the food industry or possibly as a truck driver.”

    Biden has already asked China to ramp up production of ugly sweaters and also added that he would look into possibly mandating ugly underwear for Valentine’s Day as well.

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