Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    California University To Offer Class On How To Properly Loot

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    The University of California, Berkeley will offer a new class this next semester on how to properly loot a retail store. Announced this morning, the class is being hailed by politicians as heroic and needed in these uncertain times. The class syllabus goes over topics such as:

    • How to pick a proper hammer for breaking glass
    • How to decide on which store to loot
    • How to plan your escape
    • How to pick the perfect face mask
    • How to decide on the right amount of people in your looting group

    Topics also cover pricing strategies in order to stay under $950 and keep your activities a misdemeanor.

    San Francisco mayor, London Breed, praised UC Berkeley for its action in providing a safe and informative class for the students and will push the city to make grants available so that anyone in the state could take the class. “This is the kind of cooperation we need,” said Breed, “we make the laws that help the people and the schools provide education so that the people can take advantage of the laws.”

    California Governor, Gavin Newsom, released this statement about the issue, “While I commend UC Berkeley for such a progressive action, I must caution everyone on referring to these recent thefts as looting. These people are not looters they are smash-and-grabers. Looting is where people smash their way into a store and steal merchandise. A smash-and-grab is where people smash their way into a store and steal merchandise. They are completely different.”

    Next fall UC Berkeley will offer a 400 level class on how to properly smash-and-grab a jewelry stores and there are plans to offer classes on how to properly smash-and-grab a big box store.

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