Thursday, June 13, 2024

    CNN Hires Monkeys To Improve Accuracy Of Reporting

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    With American confidence in main stream media declining, CNN has sought to gain back the public’s trust by hiring Monkeys.

    “Capuchin monkeys to be exact,” stated Julie Blime, spokesperson for the network. “Our research has concluded that Capuchin monkeys are the smartest of their kind and have a higher I.Q. than most journalists.”

    To further back up the claim, top animal scientist Jamie Bush added that, “Monkeys have an acute sense for accuracy that humans just don’t possess. Their random pounding of the keyboard will produce more accurate reports than the current ones.”

    “It is not enough to just report the facts. Bias is everything in reporting the news,” said one of the networks top reporters, who asked to remain anonymous due to the current hurricanes that are pounding the Southeast coasts. “Monkeys are simply not fit to be journalists — they just don’t have an agenda.”

    Although the news had come with some controversy the network has assured its shareholders that the monkeys will only do the research and the current on air personalities will continue to deliver what the Capuchins write and that both will be overpaid.

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