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    Dear Walter: I married an older woman.

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    Dear Walter,

    I am 24 years-old and I married an older woman — 18 years older to me exact. She is the mother I never had. I love how she treats me like a child and takes care of me, but lately I have started to notice that all my friends wives are my age and are starting to have babies. My wife is not capable of having babies anymore. My friends wives are all full of life and my wife is kind of grumpy — like all the time grumpy. I am beginning to think I made a mistake. Please help.

    — Confuses Child


    Dear Confuses Child,

    They say age is just a number and you married a really old number. If my math is correct your wife is 42. I am also guessing that you failed math in high school, but that is besides the point.

    I don’t know what else to tell you except that you should never have married a 42 year old women. She has begun the rapid decent into grandma — you say she is the mother you never had, but she is soon to be the grandmother you never had. I guess I would say enjoy it because soon you will have to take care of her as she will be too old to take care of herself.

    Did you make a mistake? Yes! Yes you did, but luckily for you she will be dead when you are 42, then you can remarry another woman your own age and have a normal marriage.

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