Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    How To Call In Sick In These Uncertain Times

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    Getting sick is a natural part of life that has become rather complicated in how one deals with it. Calling into work sick used to be a simple task, but over the last year peoples reactions to someone getting even just a cold has been blown out of proportion.

    What does one say? Can you say you have a fever or a cough, or do you avoid those symptoms at all cost? Can you fake a cough when you want to take the day after Super Bowl off? But what one says when reporting they are sick is only half the battle. The other half is dealing with the anxiety of what people will now think of you because you have become sick.

    Don’t worry Spaghetti Thumbs is here to help you traverse through these uncertain times with the certainty that clearly does not exist — so never mind that statement because people are truly crazy. However we will do our best to help guide you through the process of calling in sick.

    Step 1. Understand that there is no other sickness but COVID. All sickness does not exist. Understand that your boss will undoubtedly think you automatically have COVID. Your job is to reassure him that you are just sick and not sick sick.

    Step 2. Do your best to not sound sick. The number one step in step two is to make sure you do not sound sick at all. We would advise that you prerecord an audio of your sickness confessional when you are not actually sick and play that on the day you call in sick.

    Step 3. Reassure your boss that you can breath fine and can still taste and smell everything. Make sure you note that these two symptoms do not exist. This will also be easier since you will be prerecording your part of the conversation. Then make sure you state every symptom you do have while avoiding the first two. This step is important because people who get COVID never disclose their symptoms — they are simply diagnosed as having contacted the virus. By listing out your symptoms you draw the conclusion from your boss that you cannot possibly have COVID because you have a list of symptoms.

    Step 4. Make it know that you are quarantined in you bedroom with no contact with your family or friends and no Netflix. It may sound strange to mention that you have no Netflix, but your boss wants to know that you are not having fun. He wants to know that whatever sickness you have you are too miserable to even binge watch gossip girl.

    Step 5. Make sure you hang up before your boss has time to ask any questions. Divert the conversation away from you and simply end by saying, “thank you for your understanding in these unprecedented times.” and hang up.

    Being sick doesn’t have to be stressful. Simply follow these guidelines and get better.

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