Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    Joe Biden Pardons Turkeys Then Rejects Pardon

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    President Joe Biden pardoned the national Thanksgiving turkeys Peanut Butter and Jelly at the White House on Friday.

    “These are the finest white turkeys I have ever seen,” joked the President, but he also realized that the turkeys chosen was no laughing matter. “I suspect you were chosen because of your vaccination status and I hope that after this you will get your boosters too.”

    Biden then whispered to the first turkey, Peanut Butter. “With the power vested in me, I pardon you,” and then sleepily moved to the next turkey, Jelly, “I pardon you kid and did you know that I like to eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch. Don’t tell my wife — she doesn’t like me to tell people that I love to eat that kind of sandwich.”

    With both Peanut Butter and Jelly fully vaccinated and pardoned the event quickly turned to anger. President Biden stepped away from the free birds and addressed the media from an official podium. “Peanut Butter and Jelly are white turkeyacist,” said Biden, “but we have to abide by the pardon I issued. I am angry about it, but I deeply warn about any violence that may arise from this pardon.”

    Soon after the President’s remarks protests broke out at Rotterdam Farm in upstate New York as turkeys and other farm animals surrounded the house of farmer Dan Wittenson. Shouts of anti-supermarket slurs were heard for many many feet. “Gobble! Gobble!” shouted one turkey, while others held signs that read “NO VEGETABLES! NO PEACE!”

    Despite the anger of Biden’s own pardon, the protests remained mostly peaceful as local law enforcement watch from a distance.

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