Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    Johnson and Johnson Makes Band-Aids For Hurt Feelings

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    NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — Johnson and Johnson announced this morning that they have created a new division of their company that will manufacture Band-Aids for hurt feelings.

    The company’s CEO, Alex Gorsky, had this to say, “Here at Johnson and Johnson we understand that in this current climate we live in that hurt feelings sting more than any cut or scrape and that is why we created Band-Aid specifically for hurt feelings.”

    The US government has announced that they will purchase 3 trillion dollars worth of the new Band-Aids that they will give away in the next stimulus package starting next year.

    President Joe Biden made this statement, “We need to bring this country back together and I see there is no better way than to slap a Band-Aid on it. This will allow us to continue to build back better.”

    Spaghetti Thumbs purchased a package of the new No-Hurt-Feelings Band-Aid at a retail price of $99.99 and tried them out. First we went online to Facebook where we were bullied by both far-left politics and (Side note: we tried to get bullied by far-right wing politics but couldn’t find any). Next we engaged in political tweets from A-list celebrities and pro athletes where we were called racist and told that we just don’t understand. Last we watched 12 hours of CNN where we became utterly hurt by the lack of truthfulness.

    After having our feeling hurt we applied the No-Hurt-Feelings Band-Aid to our forehead as directed. Instantly a soothing eucalyptus gel permitted our pores. We left the Band-Aid on for exactly 3 minutes then applied another and another until all 20 bandaged were applied as directed.

    So how did we feel after the indicted hour of treatment? We can honestly say that our feelings were no longer hurt as we contemplate and pondered what we had just done to ourselves for the last hour.

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