Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    L.A. County Supervisors Vote For Universal Basic Salvation

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    LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors unanimously voted the passage of universal basic salvation for a select group of Angelenos. The pilot program will guarantee salvation for 1,000 select sinners.

    “We can guarantee salvation for these people,” said Supervisor Hilda Solis. “We have the executive power to do anything we want — if we can follow the science — we can also follow the religion.”

    When asked how the pilot program would work, Supervisor Janice Hahn had this to say, “While we haven’t worked out any of the details we feel strongly about getting this program into the works by tomorrow. We will work on the actual details when we get around to it — if we ever do.”

    The recipients of the program will be chosen at random from applications submitted to the Supervisors via prayer via Zoom.

    “I will take anything they want to give me for free,” said applicant Gilbert Tressman. “I mean salvation — who wouldn’t want that for free. You’d have to be an idiot to turn that down.”

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