Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    Liar Liar Pants On Fire Technology Stolen

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    WASHINGTON — Pentagon Press Secretary John F. Kirby held a press conference this morning to addressed the recent reports of citizens pants spontaneously combusting into flames.

    “At approximately twenty-three hundred hours the Pentagon detected a malicious hack that stole top secret technology,” stated Kirby. “Hackers infiltrated our secure servers and stole an experimental application known as Code Name Blazass, a virtual reality app that uses Wi-Fi heat sink technology to detect a single lie. The Blazass app builds upon the most advanced polygraph technology to detect a lie, then sinks with radio active material in smart phones which causes the liar’s pants to catch on fire.”

    The source code, which has been leaked on the Internet, has quickly been snatched up by social media giants, Facebook and Twitter, who have begun to use the technology to eliminate the costly manpower of flagging misinformation on their platforms saving the company trillions of dollars. The new updates have proven to curve misinformation but have come with a great cost as burn centers have become overwhelmed due to a lack of vaccinated nurses.

    Japanese scientists have not seen anything like this since the nuclear Fukushima meltdown and other countries are reporting entire cities burning up in a blaze of glory.

    Media outlets Fox News and CNN have both released statements opposing the new app with strong opposition. President Joe Biden has said that he will sign an executive order mandating that Fox News adopt the app, but has exempted trusted news sites like CNN and MSNBC.

    CNN management has praised the President’s exemption touting their record as the most trusted news source, but has quickly implemented the Blazass app to rescue themselves from sinking ratings and viewership.

    SPAGHETTI THUMBS UPDATE: CNN has announced that they have filed for bankruptcy as the company no longer has any news personalities to put on the network due the fact that they have all had their pants catch on fire and are in the hospital.

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