Thursday, June 13, 2024

    Nancy Pelosi Transplants Brian Into Robot To Live Long Enough To Spend All 1.3 Trillion

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    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the first transplant of its kind, Nancy Pelosi has placed her brain into an Android to become the first cyborg.

    In her first press conference since the procedure, the Speaker said that she feels more alive with a metal heart than she ever did before, then she addressed why she made the experimental move. “I know that 1.3 trillion dollars is not very much money, but I want to ensure that I will be alive to waste it on programs and tons of Ginkgo biloba — what was the question.”

    Dr. Anthony Bolton, the one who performed the transplant, had this to say, “The procedure was a simple success due to the lack of a soul from both the patient and Android.”

    Even with a body that should now last over a thousand years, most economists believe that Mrs. Pelosi will still never be able to spend all 1.3 trillion. “But at zero cost to get the money does it really matter how long it takes,” responded Nancy Pelosi in a broken robot voice.

    Former President Donald Trump wrote the new cyborg this: “I write this letter to you for the purpose of history and to put my thoughts on a permanent and indelible record. One hundred years from now, when people look back at this affair, I want them to understand it, and learn from it, so that people will understand that robots are truly needed to build the wall bigger and better.”

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