Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    UN To Ban Santa — Says Magical Reindeer Farts Cause Global Warming

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    UNITED NATIONS — A day after Santa completed yet another magical mission of delivering joy and happiness to thousands of kids all over the world — the UN has called for a ban on Santa.

    United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres issued this statement this morning, “We are calling on all Nations to support us in banning Santa from using his magical reindeer from delivering gifts. Our experts report that magical reindeer expel methane at an enormous amount contributing to the weakening of the ozone layer at an alarming rate.”

    The report in question states that one magical reindeer fart contains enough toxic methane to rip the ozone layer open by 0.0000001 millimeters. The report alleges that Santa’s reindeer unleash about one thousand farts capable of dramatically opening the ozone layer 0.00001 millimeters every Christmas.

    “If we allow Santa to deliver gifts,” says environmental scientist Dr. Millovich, “Santa’s reindeer will effectively, and possibly, destroy this planet by the year 4022. We are simply asking the UN and the Countries of the world unite on this issue and ban Santa.”

    “If we allow Santa to continue this wildly abusive power — Christmas will eventually destroy this planet,” repeated President Joe Biden. “I have issued an executive order requiring all supply chain workers to work for twenty-four hours straight every day indefinitely.”

    Jen Psaki followed the President with this statement, “Joe Biden has saved not only the future of Christmas but the world.”

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