Wednesday, June 12, 2024

    V.P. Harris Issues Executive Order Mandating Biden Gets A Colonoscopy Everyday

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    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris became the first woman to receive Presidential powers as President Joe Biden underwent a colonoscopy. As acting Commander in Chief, Harris’s first act was to issue an executive order requiring Biden to get a colonoscopy everyday.

    Some inside Washington believe the order to be a necessary action to ensure that the President remains safe and effective as our leader.

    Vice President Harris issued this statement, “This has nothing to do with my poor performance as Vice President or with my desire to place mandates on the people, nor does this have anything to do with my all consuming drive to destroy America with bad policies — no I believe that everyone should get regular colonoscopies — yes even women.” Vice President Harris then cackled for two hours while reporters waited to find out if she had any further statements to make. She did not.

    Upon awaking from his colonoscopy procedure, President Biden learned of the new executive order and immediately asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. First Lady Jill Biden praised Harris for her bravery on issuing the order and said that she would personally see that her husband gets to the doctors everyday.

    While no office mandate on the American public has been announced, the FDA and CDC both issued statements urging everyone 12 years and older get a colonoscopy at least once a day.

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